Bless and Release Pt 2 or When They Come Back

A few weeks ago, I posted a blog about releasing those who introduce negative influences into their lives. I was planning a follow-up post on tips to try if someone you released attempts to reinsert themselves in your life when the Universe decided to let me beta test my tips.

Jon, one of the people I wrote about in the original blog post, spent some time with one of my best friends. Afterwards, Jon decided to reach out to me. In his text message, he said that he wanted to “extend the olive branch.” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.

Step 1 – Ground yourself

I wasn’t sure what to do. On the one hand, I was certain that I’d be fine with completely forgetting Jon existed. On the other hand, I feel like everyone deserves a second chance. I needed to make this decision with a clear mind.

I opted to use the Feri Tradition’s soul alignment practice, but any practice that connects you with your higher self will work. After completing the ritual, I felt more confident in making a decision that was for everyone’s highest good.

The first word that came to mind was “regret.” What decision can I make that would avoid the most chance of regret for me? By meeting with Jon, I would never experience the uncertainty of what-if. As an added bonus, I would be showing my friend that I could be cordial with Jon, even if I didn’t want to rekindle the friendship.

Step 2 – Meet on your terms

At this point, the boundaries you set are being questioned by someone else. You are meeting with them at their request. This means that you have earned the right of home court advantage. Not only will creating the terms of the meeting make you feel empowered, but it will allow you to create a comfortable atmosphere for the conversation.

When I told Jon I would meet him, I explained that I have plans on Thursday at six, but could meet him before I met up with friends. He suggested that he come along with me at six. This presented me with the opportunity to exercise my new favorite magickal word. I simply said “No.” I told him that I could meet him at five or that I would let him know when I was available again. Reluctantly, Jon agreed to my terms.

Step 3 – Listen with discernment, not judgment

Jon and I met a bar and made small talk for a few minutes. When we stepped outside to smoke, he offered me his side of the story.

Jon explained that he had not been in contact with me because I treated him poorly. He said that he did not feel that I valued him as a friend. He concluded by saying that his evening with our mutual friend made him want to reach out to me to see if we could make amends.

I listened without interruption. Instead of making a mental list of responses, I just let him talk and tried to understand his point of view. I let any hints of inner defensiveness roll right off my back. When he was done, I took a deep breath before I moved to the next step

4 – Politely, but clearly and honestly advocate for yourself

In her video on setting healthy boundaries, Kelly Ann Maddox says that you have to be an ally for yourself. I agree. No one else can fight your battles or face your troubles better than you can. So, after my cleansing breath, I relayed my feelings to Jon.

“I see things differently” I started. “We’ve known each other for a decade, but in the few months, before we stopped talking, I saw a different side of you. When you needed friends, I included you in my friend group. Instead of being grateful, I feel like you systematically tried to separate me from my friends. When I needed my friends, you did things to actively exclude me. When I brought these feelings up, you told me that you had no intention to change your behavior. At that time, you’re right; I stopped valuing your friendship because you no longer valued mine. In fact, I feel like you are only trying to fix things because someone else asked you to.”

Jon was visibly hurt by this last sentence. I apologized for the directness of my statement, but not for its content. We sat in silence for a few moments before Jon finally spoke.

“I understand where you’re coming from and I want to fix things. I’ve been very lonely, and I miss my friends, including you. You don’t owe me anything, but I’d like the opportunity to prove that I can be a better friend.”

The sincerity of his words unexpectedly struck me. Jon is very charismatic, but since I’ve known him for so long, I can usually detect his bullshit from a mile away. This was different; my gut told me that I could trust what he was saying.

Step 5 – Reinforce boundaries, even if they’ve changed

Once you have listened and in turn and said your piece, it comes time to lay out your boundaries. In some instances, it is just restating the boundaries you have already stated. In others, such as in my case, you may set new boundaries. It’s important that your boundaries are clear and precise.

“Jon, it’s important for you to know that I am skeptical of everything you’ve said. I’m also a bit hopeful. Things aren’t going to change overnight, but I’m not adverse to spending some time with you. However, it will be on my terms. If a friend of ours invites us both out to something, I hope you’ll understand if I decline the invitation sometimes. I also hope you won’t hold it against my friends if they keep you at a distance for a while. They are only doing that to protect me.”

I took another breath and continued. “It’s also important for you to understand that I’m going to be ultra-sensitive to anything I consider as a slight from you. If, no when, it happens, remind me that I mentioned this and I promise I’ll try to judge your perspective without bias. And, if I do anything that you feel harmed by, bring it my attention and we’ll discuss that too.”

Jon nodded, and I ended the conversation by saying “I promise that if I decide to remove myself from the friendship, I will do so in a way that allows us to coexist among our friends. I hope you do the same.”

Jon agreed, and we shook hands. We reverted to catching up on the past year of each other’s lives and even joined my friends afterward. Overall, it was a good night. It’s still unclear whether we’ll continue on this path or if we’ll decide that we’re no longer suited to be friends, but only time will tell.

 

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Bless and Release

I’m sitting at the table sipping my cocktail as a quiet observer. The other six men at the table are absorbed in their cell phones, as they pick their favorite athletes. My friend is hosting the annual draft for his fantasy football league and asked me to come hang out. Despite the lack of conversation, I’m enjoying myself. It surprises me to see how eerily similar fantasy football is to Dungeons and Dragons. This realization makes me giggle to myself.

During a break from the draft, I joined my friend outside for a quick smoke.

“Oh, I’ll be late for board game night on Wednesday,” he said.

“I work until six, so that works out perfectly” I agreed.

“Yeah, I ran into Jon at work today, and he said he wanted to catch up. I’m going to have a few drinks with him before I come out” my friend continued.

This revelation caused time to stop for a minute. Allow me to interrupt this story to share some of the back story.

For almost a decade, I’ve had two constant friends in my life; Jon and Kelly.  I met each of them at work, but met them at different times. I met Jon through a mutual friend. He and I were both well read, had a penchant for craft beer, and were insanely sarcastic. We were instant friends.

I met Kelly a few years later. She and I shared the same tastes in music and literature and had a knack for closing down a bar. She and I were inseparable.

A few years ago, I had a stream of bad luck. The team I was on at work was dismantled, and I found myself without a job. I found a new one almost immediately. Then, a year later, that position was eliminated due to a merger. To compound this stress, I was dealing with the pressures of pursuing my Master’s degree, dealing with several severe illnesses in my family, and ended up just feeling lost.

While in a terrible bout of depression, I turned to my friends. Most of my friends were supportive. Jon and Kelly were not. Jon, who has trouble making friends on his own, tried relentlessly to push me out of my friend group. Kelly began to create needless drama and tried to pull me into the eye of her storm. While trying to deal with their issues while trying to keep balance in my own life, I began to see that their presence was unhealthy for me.

Things came to a head one night when Jon and Kelly accompanied me to the bar for a few cocktails. I left early, while they planned to close down the bar.

When I next talked to Kelly, several days later, she explained that she spent the night with Jon. Although she didn’t accuse Jon outright, she made it clear that she felt she was too drunk to have offered consent. I confronted Jon immediately, and in his version of the story, Kelly initiated everything.

I found myself in the middle of their turmoil and couldn’t fully align myself with either of them. In my experience with Jon, I had witnessed him being aggressive with women he was attracted to, but I never saw him cross the line with any of them. At the same time, I had witnessed Kelly use the excuse “I was too drunk” to distance herself from poor decisions, but have never experienced her fabricating something as heinous as her current accusations.

After several weeks of trying to navigate the tension between these two, I realized the beauty of this situation. This wasn’t my problem. This was a blatant sign from the Universe that I needed to release these two people from my life.

I sat down in front my altar and lit a single black candle. I asked the Goddess to bless my work. Sitting in meditation, I visualized my heart chakra spinning big and green. Attached to this chakra were two silver threads connecting me to Jon and Kelly. I sent good wishes to each of them. I prayed that they would be protected, find balance, and have the best life they could ask for. Then, carefully, I cut the cords and released them from my life. As I extinguished the candle, I felt a calm come over me. I never heard from Jon again. As for Kelly, she has sent me a few texts but then fizzled out. My magick had worked on the situation, but as I would find out at the bar during the fantasy draft, had changed me.

“Do you think it’s weird for me to hang out with Jon?” my friend asked. I paused before responding. Then I gave the most honest answer I could have offered.

“I don’t think about Jon at all” I started. “Jon isn’t a bad person; he’s just not a person I want in my life. If he’s reaching out to you, he probably needs a friend. So, I hope you two have a good time, and I will see you afterward.

My friend tilted his head in confusion and headed back inside. I was confused too. A year ago, I would have been pissed if any of my friends would have associated with Kelly or Jon. Now, it didn’t bother me at all. Once I released the negativity and chose not allow it impact my life, I released its hold over me, and that’s real magick.